When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
huge valentines day plans this year!!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks