“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
boat question
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.