After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*