ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You Might Also Like
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!