I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
You Might Also Like
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
My dad teaching me to drive
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
oh u like geography? name every lake
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.