Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
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GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
waiting for halloween be like:
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that