Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!