*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”