My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The pen is writier than the sword.