For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them