Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
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[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
why does this building look like a guilty dog
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP