When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.