i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.