Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well