Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.