me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”