Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
🍛
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.