“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.