Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
You Might Also Like
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.