Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.