i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?