Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*aggressively waits in line*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.