My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
How it started How it’s going
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout