It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty