Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?