No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
A dad and his duck
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out