Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Nice try, poison.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.