Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
181.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”