[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
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I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Never be a pizza!
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”