Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
#merica
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous