“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Finally
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now