If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Bringing home a sharpie
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.