God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
look at me when i’m typing to you
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.