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Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.