A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.