My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
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THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.