[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room