who wore it better?
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy