The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people