Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
scrabbled eggs
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.