The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus