Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
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I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Just say no
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”