Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
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Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles