I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more