[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
this is how life feels
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Knock Knock
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?