Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag