Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 馃檨
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If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I鈥檓 here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.馃寧鉂わ笍
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
god鈥檚 mom: clean your room or i鈥檓 throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they鈥檙e not toys. they鈥檙e dinosaurs!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don鈥檛 understand your question. Those words don鈥檛 belong together.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.