Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
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Put this video in the Louvre
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture