One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.