Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Strange
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.